If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
