My friends, they love my intelligence
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
i now understand why vodka
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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