What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
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