Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
