you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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