I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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