You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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