You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
