Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
