"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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