Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
