The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
