I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
They should really pass out barf bags in church
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Randomize
