Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Randomize
