I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
