I just cut my nipple shaving
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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