The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
I did not marry a roomba.
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