No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize
