I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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