Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Randomize
