yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Randomize
