Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
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