the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Randomize
