I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
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