I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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