One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
