Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Randomize
