i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
