I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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