member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
