so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Randomize
