oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
