I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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