farters have to be the big spoon...
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
