After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
As shirtless as possible
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
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