i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
