and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
