My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
