I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
