This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
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6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Vodka?
Forever.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
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I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
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