bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
