Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
