I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.