its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
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