I can feel you judging me through the phone.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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