Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
