the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
