In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
