My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
