the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
