Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
