this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
