so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
