someone threw a dead crab at me
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
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