I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize
