I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
