i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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