Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
