You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
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Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
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Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
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