So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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